Friday, January 9, 2009

Oliver's Fig Newton Twist

Since high school and before, Newton's Laws of Motion have been drilled into my head like the chants from overly-perky cheerleaders at a pep rally; the ones you hope fall off the pyramid so they finally shut up. I can spell "aggressive," on my own, thanks. Call me a geek, but Newton's Laws apply to life in more than scientific ways. Sure, Murphy's Laws are wittier and more relevant to real-life situations, but Newton's Laws... apply to the *drum roll please* dating world *cymbal crash*. That bittersweet place of lust and loss. I know it well. I hope my attempts at warping science into something else amuse you.

Newton's First Law of Motion: An object at rest tends to stay at rest and an object in motion tends to stay in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.
In English (also known as "human speak,"): Something is going to keep doing what it's doing unless something comes along and makes it change.
Relevance to Relationships: Nothing in a relationship is going to change unless some outside person or event changes it. Tom and Lisa will keep dating. They will hold hands in the hallway. They will go to a movie on Friday night and kiss in his car before he drives her home. It's like mashed potatoes and gravy. You know what to expect. Then an outside event changes everything. Tom "accidentally" falls on Kerry, the head cheerleader, and her lips happen to soften the blow. Lisa doesn't like this, and now Tom and Lisa don't go to the movies, and they aren't holding hands anymore. Looks like that one turned around 180°.

Newton's Second Law of Motion: The acceleration of an object as produced by a net force is directly proportional to the magnitude of the net force, in the same direction as the net force, and inversely proportional to the mass of the object.
In English: Something travels (or "accelerates") in the direction you push it. If you push it twice as hard, it accelerates twice as much. If it has twice the mass, it accelerates half as much. (Big things go slower than littler things.)
Relevance to Relationships: If you bring Kerry flowers, or take Mike to the big game, things will continue to go well. If you give her flowers while you're out to dinner, or take Mike to the big game with court side seats, things will go even better! The big events take longer to plan than something little, like giving them a sick of gum you found in your coat from last winter.

Newton's Third Law of Motion: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
In English: For every action, there is an equal (in size) and opposite (in direction) reaction force. When you push, something is pushing back just as hard in the opposite direction.
Relevance to Relationships: Everything you do to your significant other will come back to you from him/her. If you do something nice for Eric, he will do something nice for you. If you slash Adam's tires, he's going to call the police. Whatever you do to him/her, he/she will give back to you.*

For those science enthusiasts, as well as romance enthusiasts, please do not take my comparisons, definitions, or explanations to heart. We all know I'm paraphrasing, dramatising, and possibly hallucinating most of the things I've written. My random cranial wanderings are not to be used for educational purposes, not even pointing out my atrocious grammar or how badly I butchered Newton's Laws.

In conclusion, I know nothing of either science or romance. I have no experience other than an unfinished college degree, a few years working in a scientific field, some former boyfriends and love interests, and endless episodes of Mythbusters on TiVo. I take no responsibility for your belief or disbelieving the above statements. I hope you were as amused reading as I found myself while I was typing. And be grateful I didn't end with a witty remark involving a play on the word "chemistry."


*A note about the above statement. Human emotion and free will can and will pull things out of proportion. If Heather goes to the movies with Kevin, Jordan may sleep with Leslie to get even. Not the same severity, but that's where emotions come into play. As humans we are fatally flawed with emotions that rule over us all. If a mountain could hover over us like a storm cloud, that is the feeling of emotions lurking within our veins. Waiting for that emotional bubble to burst and for fury, sorrow, comedy, or God knows what else to spew out.

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