A Gift

I recently had a birthday. For me, birthdays are a monumental occasion. It does not matter to me that I'm an adult, I decorate my friends' rooms with streamers and bake them cakes; I call and sing to them until they start ignoring my calls- then I leave voicemails. I make banners, goofy hats, and usually sport a tiara or glowing piece of jewelry. Birthdays are an addiction. I love my birthday so much that I celebrate it twice a year. I have a party with family and friends on my actual birthday (which just passed), but I also celebrate the six-month mark past (and before since it's the same thing) my birthday. I can even tell you how it all began.

I have a winter birthday, the only one in my family. Even aunts, uncles, and cousins have birthdays in the summer. When I was very young, my family used to have a large Christmas party with the entire family sometime after Christmas, but before January was over. It was at this party that I received both my Christmas and birthday gifts. As a child, I never understood why everybody got presents for my birthday (as we all know, those were actually their Christmas presents) when I never got any presents in the summer, when their birthdays were. To pacify me, I assume, my parents began celebrating my "half birthday," the day that falls 6 months after and before my birthday. This day fell in the summer, when I would have cupcakes and singing and the occasional pool party to celebrate. The tradition never died, and now I'm addicted to birthdays. The comment has been made that if I aged every time I celebrated a birthday I'd be well over 85. As one well under the age of 30, I was more than a little offended, yet not offended enough to stop celebrating a birthday every chance I got.

For my actual birthday this year I was blessed with many things. My family is still with me, which I am thankful for. There were times when I was afraid of losing members of my family to accident, illness, age, or argument. I have friends who care about me. I see the proof of this daily, through my outrageous phone bill to being bleary-eyed from a late-night chat with a friend over the Internet. The SD Card in my digital camera is constantly over-filled, and I'm always printing pictures with friends and buying frames to hang on my walls. One friend threw me a party this year; several of my friends attended. Other friends called, sent cards, left me messages online or through email, and a variety of other things. While my family and friends surprised me with unexpected recognition and gifts, I'm most pleased by one particular gift- the gift I gave myself.

For my birthday I decided to give myself a present. Not a video game or a movie like I normally splurge on; this year I gave myself a gift that is with me always. I decided I was going to stop letting myself get frustrated and upset over things that I cannot change, or that aren't really worth getting upset over. In the past I've convinced myself that my emotions are not controlled by a light switch- I cannot turn them on or off at will. But now I've given myself the ability to see which events are worth getting upset over. I decided I was going to laugh at things that normally frustrated me. For example, at work I knocked over a shelf, sending about 100 aspirin bottles raining upon my head. Normally I'd sigh, mentally kick myself for being stupid, and continue to mentally abuse myself until I'd cleaned it all up, which is more than enough fuel to start a very bad mood, which I'm likely to take out on friends, family, and coworkers. But that didn't happen. I looked from the shelf to the mess on the floor and back to the shelf... and I laughed. I laughed at how funny it must have looked, and how I'd ironically been conked on the head by bottles of headache relief. I smiled, and I felt good about it. And when I took my break later that evening I had a great conversation with a good friend, something that wouldn't have happened if I'd been brooding.

I've been having troubles with a friend- recent arguments, some bad blood between us. I had been blaming myself for their catty remarks and obvious attempts to hurt me. By obsessing over the "why" and "what if" questions, I was miserable and cranky. After my self-given gift, I looked at my situation in a new light. What good would getting upset and downtrodden do me? Yes, some of the words stung, and yes, it still hurt, but what good was it to dwell on it? I looked at the stupid fights and at the way I'd been treating myself because of somebody else's decision- something I cannot control- and I laughed. If somebody has their mind set in one particular direction, nothing short of an oncoming train or a meteor is going to stop them. Why even bother? So I smiled knowing that I'm going to be just fine. I've got good friends, and one person's false accusations and poor judgements of me do not define who I am to the rest of the world. So I laughed at it. Everybody has fights, everybody gets hurt. R.E.M. has an entire song and music video dedicated to the theme. I laughed when I imagined myself re-writing all the subtitles in the music video. And I moved on.

The change has been amazing. In less than a week's time I've noticed a significant difference in myself. I smile more, and I don't even really care for my smile. I take better care of myself. I eat healthier, stand straighter, sleep better. I let cars into my lane instead of riding the bumper of the car in front of me. I don't yell at red lights anymore, I sing to the radio. I get along better with my boss at work. I even get along better with my mother. My friendships are growing stronger, and I'm making new friends every day. My clothing style changed. I let go of the protective layer of hoodies and shapeless jeans. My closet has slowly changed colors, from maroons, greys, and black to pinks, purples, blues, greens, and yellows. My hair, usually pulled back in a severe ponytail, finds itself loose or left curly. I'm happier with who I am, and I'm not afraid to let the world see it.

Being able to laugh at my life has given me a beautiful new outlook. I don't feel like any person, thing, or force is against me anymore. My bed was usually buried under seven pillows, three quilts, and two blankets. If I turned my head at just the right angle, nobody could tell if I was even in the room at all. Now my currently unmade bed sports a pillow, a blanket, and a quilt. I'm not hiding from the world, I don't need that fortress anymore. I love being comfortable, so a few blankets my creep back on the bed as the nights grow colder, but I don't feel like I'm fighting my way through the day, retreating to a safe haven of pillows and blankets on my bed, and resting up for tomorrow's battle. Now I feel like I'm taking the world on my storm, throwing smiles and peace signs like candy in a parade.

Some say that this new outlook will fade like many people's New Year's Resolutions. I don't make New Year's Resolutions. I feel that they're an excuse to put something off for 11 months because you "have all year to work on it," and I also feel that it's a setup for disappointment. Most resolutions are too demanding, unrealistic, and stressful to keep. I'm finding very little stress in my life since I've started laughing more. I feel less demand to be perfect for the world, yet I find that people are more pleased with me. I'm using less effort to do greater work. It's like one of those machines that produces more energy than it operates on.

It's a beautiful gift, and I feel that I was encouraged to bestow it upon myself by several very close friends. These people are constantly in contact with me. They're the reason I upgraded my cell phone plan and continue to pay outrageous prices for Internet service. These individuals always make me smile, and now I can see how many times they've tried to get me to see that there are some things in life that I cannot change; I was never even close to being able to change them. I'm not the center of the universe- every event that happens isn't directly because of me, or directly effecting me. Sometimes things happen that I don't like and I had absolutely nothing to do with. So now I laugh. It's not my cosmic responsibility to solve the problems of the universe. It's my choice to listen, help, and encourage my friends in every way I can, but I am in no way accountable for the actions and reactions of every single person I know. Sometimes my opinion, or myself in general, does not matter. And that's when I laugh. So I knocked something over. I made a huge mess. Some guy thinks I'm a stooge. My boss under appreciates me. Who really cares? Eventually something shattering will happen in my life. That's a part of life; disappointment, sadness, grief. But when it comes, I don't want it to be another downspout in my life. I want to be able to look at the smiles I've shared and the laughs I've had, and smile because of those, even while tears may fall. I think I've managed to come up with a way to tell you the gift I gave myself.

When life gives me the choice between laughter and tears, I'm going to laugh. Someday God isn't going to give me the choice, and I'm going to wish I'd smiled more.

I'll blog directly on that quote another day. It's going to get its own post. For now, I wish you good night, and many happy returns.