Unfortunately, Hallmark Does Not Make Passive Aggressive Greeting Cards

I am, by definition, a "good person" (read: doormat). I don't rat people out. I don't cause confrontations. I don't put other people, or myself, in the crosshairs. My goal is to go through life without causing too much damage. Because of that, there are a lot of things that go unsaid. Sometimes to spare others, sometimes to spare myself. Those things build up inside, and they fester, and if I don't let them out from time to time they will seriously damage me. Rather than go on an insane spree of confrontations, I shall vent here. Unfortunately, Hallmark does not make passive aggressive greeting cards.

                                               

(1) I love you. I never showed it, and I never said it enough. You provided everything for me, want or need. I had everything, and I never thanked you. I was terrible to you, and all you ever did was love me. You were my biggest fan and I treated you like trash. I'm sorry.

                                               

(2) Being your friend is was exhausting. You lie, and you lie to cover up your lies. You're too young to be in my life, not because you're young, but because you're immature. I'm sorry for a lot of what happened between us, but I'm more sorry that I stuck around that long. I don't feel bad without you.

                                               

(3) You cost me my best friend. Two, if I count losing you as well. You would have rather been the center of attention for a moment than to have a true friend in your life. We were inseparable, and I thought that I had finally found a friend I could trust. For the first time, I felt like I had real friends, that I mattered to people, that I was lucky for everything in my life. And for a month of popularity you shattered it. You took my insecurities and you used them to your advantage. You knew I wasn't going to tell your secrets; I wasn't going to enter a battle of gossip. You knew you were safe, so you trashed me to anybody with ears. I hope it was worth it.

                                               

(4) There was a time in my life where I think we could have been happy together. If you had asked I would have said yes. We'd finish school, have a wedding with too much ribbon and tulle, smile pretty for the pictures. You'd go off to work, and I'd learn to stay home. I'd sub now and then, but we both know there would be kids. I'd be driving a mini van and learning how those harness things work on car seats. I'd cook chicken and do the laundry. And you'd come home and talk about work, and we'd talk about our days in bed at night. And we'd be happy. We're a disjointed set of friends now. We talk often, and about most things, but we both feel those pangs when the other brings up anything hitting close to "our" plans. I know I do. It hurts to be your friend, because sometimes I think we could have been more, and I don't know what happened to change that. We wouldn't work now, and I don't want to discuss why, but it hurts to hear you talk about living "our" life with somebody else.

                                               

(5) You use me. You're only around when you need something, and when nobody else is around. I'm tired of being second string. I deserve better.

                                               

(6) I love you. I know that scares you. You put months of distance between us. You give me four words in that time span, and I live and breathe those words. I would go with you, follow you anywhere. I wouldn't complain. People can tell when it's you on the phone; my entire presence changes- I smile, I talk slower, I breathe. I am happy. You do that to me. You make me happy. But you withhold it. I don't know if you're afraid of loving me too, or if you're afraid to tell me you don't. I've been wanting nothing but you for too long. I can't give you up. I've tried. I've ranted and cried, talked to friends, sought advice from wise corners, and though I try, I cannot give up on you. On us. Not until you tell me to. In no uncertain words. You need to let me know one way or another, and you need to stick by your decision.

                                               

(7) You are my best friend. You keep me. You defend me. You confide in me. I feel we're on equal playing fields, that I've found my cosmic counterpart. But I feel like there's a part of you that you hide from me. That you don't quite trust with me. And that hurts. There are times we talk and I feel like I'm a step behind; that everybody else knows something I don't. I know I'm paranoid, but this has proven true in the past. Whether you're protecting me or if you just don't trust me yet, either way I notice. I don't want to force you to talk, and I don't want to bully myself into your life. I wish you would open up to me. You say you tell me everything, but there's more.

                                               

(8) On the whole, you suck. There is nothing eloquent to say. You treat me like I don't matter, you don't respect me or my body. You only pay attention to me when you have a physical need. You don't talk to me, you don't take any interest in anything. I honestly have no idea why we have remained friends for so long.

                                               

(9) To a large group of friends: You were all friends of mine. I was part of your circle, remember? We'd go for hikes, climb trees, stay out late, cause general chaos? It was a good time. We were surface friends. We were never very serious, and we never talked about anything serious. It wasn't ideal, but it worked. And in an instant it all changed. I became a pariah. We all know why, and for once I'm standing my ground. When you decide to own up to your selfish and shallow actions, I probably still won't want to have anything to do with you. I've seen what kind of malice you're capable of, and I don't want to be a part of it. Good riddance.

                                               

If Peter Pan could hear me he would strike my heart with his dagger, but some people need to grow up.