Rules and Unanswered Questions

There was once a chance I didn't take. An opportunity avoided, an experience missed. Sometimes it's good to leave yourself out of situations; not all experiences are good. Other times it's best to jump into the fray looking neither left nor right, and caring nothing for where you land. Stephen Chbosky's The Perks of Being a Wallflower (a favorite of mine) lends a line to my cause: "Standing on the fringes of life offers a unique perspective. But there comes a time to see what it looks like from the dance floor."



I've fallen into the habit of being what I have affectionately dubbed "Safely Adventurous." I have no problem doing, going, or trying something new, within reason. Logic must have its say, after all. All things have rules, even if they are self-imposed.

Rule #1: The risk of death must be minimal. Enough said.

Rule #2: Exactly how many laws are we breaking? I don't have much of a problem breaking a few rules, but I'm not going to do anything that's going to land me in jail. OK, let's be honest, I'm pretty much all-in for good-natured trouble, and if it leads down Crazy Street now and then, I've been known to take that road. But I won't openly walk into a situation that could get messy very quickly.

Rule #3: I won't hurt anybody. I've got a temper and a quick tongue, but I'm not malicious. This includes people, animals, trees, and creations.

Rule #4: I will only go along with something if I want to. If it looks too dangerous, too stupid, or just not my thing, I'm out. I'm all for new experiences and broadening my horizons or whatever it's called, but I'm not goign to do something I don't want to do just for the sake of doing it.


Seems fairly simple. Four rules, all along the lines of, "Don't do anything monumentally stupid." You have no idea how constricting they are. Being responsible wears you down. Maybe it's an infinite cycle. Think about it- you generally become more responsible with age. As you age you get worn out, run down. In effect, you become more responsible as a form of self-preservation. Being so darn responsible takes it's toll, and the cycle continues. Maybe there's something to be said for remaing perpetually young-willed and driven by whims.

I've decided to list the things I want to, but probably never allow myself to participate in. Maybe getting them out of my head and into the open will inspire me.

*A trip with nothing. Throw a cooler, my tent, sleeping bag, and some extra clothes and blankets in my car, quick stop for essentials (water, food that won't rot), and drive. Someplace new to me. Unplanned. Stay at least 3 days and 2 nights before heading in the direction of home. I can camp, sleep in my car, under the stars, in a crappy hotel room, in a penthouse suite. Even if I'm cold, wet, hungry, sick, broke, and miserable. On the chance I'm not miserable, it could be the time of my life.

*Try something new that I usually wouldn't let myself do. A rappell off of something much higher than I'm comfortable with, going on a road trip with new friends to a destination unknown. Nothing completely insane, but something new. Baby steps, here.

*Take a risk. I spend so much time protecting myself, my friends, my friendships, my family, theat I rarely give anything sapce to grow into something new. I used to say that I didn't like things nailed down in all four corners- I preferred things welded to the ground with an airtight seal. That doesn't leave room for friends to become lovers, acquaintences to become friends, or to realize that the people you trust can't be trusted. Sometimes I'm going to have to take a risk at losing something for the chance to gain something better.

*Play a concert for all my friends. I don't think anybody, friend or family, has heard me make instrumental music in about 6 years. I don't care if I'm talented or not, I love music. I love making music. There are two events in my life that make me feel complete- being outdoors and really connecting with the world around me, and when I've got my violin under my chin. I love it, and I always will. I put a personal ban on playing for other people. Somewhere along the line I let myself believe I wasn't good enough. Not good enough for the friends I had, not a good student, or a good musician. And maybe I wasn't. But I wasn't as bad at ANY of those as I thought I was. So why should I let my own misconceptions from years ago keep me from something I love? I want to give a concert for my friends. Maybe outside, where there are lots of trees, and running water nearby. Both my elements.

It's a start. And perhaps I'll do those things, one at a time. And it will take time, patience, and maybe a swift kick of self-esteem. I try not to make promises I can't keep, but I do hope that I can manage to let down the wall I've put between myself, my ambitions, and every single person I've ever encountered. I call them "rules" or "logic" but it's all fear. I'm afriad of getting hurt. Of being embarrassed. Of failure. Of once again being told sorry- but my best just wasn't good enough. But who are you to judge me? What about you makes me want to believe your opinion more than my own? Maybe in taking these risks, and tearing that wall down, piece by piece and scar by scar, I'll find the answers.