Take Me Out

Take me out.

We could wine and dine.
We could lie on our backs and watch the stars pass us by.

We could walk.
Walk the woods, the beach, the mall, the neighborhood.

We could go for a drive.
I'd rest my head on the rolled-down window and watch the trees fly overhead.

We could sit on the grass or out in the leaves.
And feed the ants our secrets.

Just take me out.
Don't keep me locked inside the walls of your heart, keeping me safe with you but not letting me live or experience anything else.

Take me away. Show me ancient trees with deep carvings, foot-trails long forgotten with tall grass and deer who look startled that people have wandered into their midst. Take me dancing.

Take my hand.

Turtles and Tsunamis

As we begin our holiday travels, I would like to take a moment to remind everybody to be safe on the roads. Be careful of insane drivers, slow drivers creeping along, and backed up exit ramps with endless strings of tail lights. Before we take to the roads I would like to share my thoughts on what I call “The Wave Theory.” Each rush of traffic seems to accumulate around the same time, in this case, known as “waves.” Drivers in each wave have similar characteristics and tactics for reaching their destination, furthermore, each consecutive wave of traffic is less pleasant than the previous one. Experience has led me to develop the following Waves:

The first wave of holiday travelers is happy. They get out on the road before 8AM. Eager to go home, they have already packed and showered; they are sipping fresh coffee or a chi-something from the local overpriced coffee chain. These folks have probably been listening to Christmas music since October. They're prepared for a long drive, and they intend to be pleasant about it. They will let in other cars, happily merge right to let you pass, and don't worry about the semi-trucks. These are the drivers that don’t mind cruising at a leisurely 65 miles per hour the entire way home. Known as “the turtles of the highway” they are the cheerful little buggers that make all the other drivers on the road crazy.

By Noon we have the Late-Starters. This group aimed to be on the road in the First Wave, but got delayed. Less pleasant than their morning predecessors, these travelers are harried and potentially cranky, but generally in good spirits. They probably snagged a quick coffee from the gas station before hitting the freeway. There’s less chance of Christmas music, probably the popular rock station on the radio, or whatever pops up on their iPod. This wave will tend to drive a bit faster, but will still show a general regard for posted speed limits.

At 3PM we begin to see the “Relaxed Drivers.” Don’t let the name fool you. These are the individuals who decided to relax all morning, sleep in, watch TV, and eventually get on the road. “No rush” they said, but by 5:30 they're cursing at the slower car ahead of them. These are the guys gunning ramps, running lights, and attempting to pass semi-trucks at a swift 85mph. They’re sick of traffic, and they’re only halfway home. In their “no rush” phase, this wave is likely to stop for a pre-freeway meal. They are easily identified by the discarded fast food wrappers and crushed cans from energy drinks on their dashboards and seats. This crowd is also noted for neglecting to see posted speed limit signs because they were distractedly jabbing at their radio/iPod, dissatisfied with any and every song that pops up.

Let’s not forget the last wave of holiday travelers. Oh, the last wave- the “Tsunami of Holiday Travel”- the evening crowd. This wave is mostly comprised of soccer moms and hung-over college kids racing home as fast as they can. These guys show no mercy. They're darting and weaving through traffic, cutting off semi-trucks at over 90mph- these people are a force to be reckoned with. If you're going under 85mph, you're getting run off the road. They curse, they block exits, and they're probably the reason so many people hate to travel on the holidays. There’s no time for coffee with these folks- they’re running on pure adrenaline and road rage.

So whether you are a peppy First Waver, or a lightning-fast Tsunami Driver, remember to stay safe out there! Wear your seat belts, and watch out for turtles and tsunamis!

Happy Holidays!

Today

we're all going to die eventually. and i have no intention of dying until i have my 8 kids and a crazy house with a big back yard

and a tire swing hanging off a huge tree in the front yard

the kind of tree you hate because the roots make the grass all bumpy when you mow

and in autumn the damn leaves never stop falling

and in the spring it's all bugs

and in the summer it blocks the breeze to the house, so you're always too hot

i've got soccer games to drive to

and football games to watch

and a husband to make up with after we fight over something stupid

i'm giving up on the damn doctors

i didn't say i was giving up on myself

People in Glass Rooms...

You kissed me yesterday. And I don't think you saw it, because it was dark in your kitchen, but I smiled. And when you had your hand on my neck, when you gracefully and sweetly pulled me closer, I felt like the star in a movie. It took a long time to build that wall of sarcasm and ice around my heart, and in that moment I felt droplets hitting my stomach and turning into butterflies as you melted it all away.

But I think I built my walls too high; I got too good at keeping people away, at keeping you away. Because as I walked home, I felt sad. I knew I liked you, and I knew I'd done too good of a job at keeping you at arm's distance. So you either think I'm a bitch, or too complicated, or just a nutcase, all of which are probably true in their own right. But I know I did it, and I regret it do much right now.

You're too smart for me anyway. Not book smart, though you are. You're perceptive. You remember everything, and that's intimidating. Most women would kill to have a man remember her birthday, or some random fact mentioned ONCE and never again. Not only that, but you're perceptive too. You know things about me that I never told you, and as far as I can tell, never revealed to you. It's an amazing and beautiful trait, but it's unsettling to have somebody know more about you than you thought.

But I wish I hadn't fought you so much. I wish I'd taken half a step forward, or just reached out and grabbed your hands, pulled you forward. Given more, been less stubborn, chiseled a door for you in my heart of ice, or at least a ladder. You're smart- you knew I was fighting, and you respect me, so you're not going to fight back.

I wish you would.

In a room full of windows, you saw through all my bullshit and you saw me. You looked me right in the eye, you caught my gaze, and you held it. I didn't look away. My eyes say more than my voice ever will. I hope you heard them.

I'm writing because it's easier to write a letter I'll never send than to pray. If I don't send a letter it's my own fault for not getting a response; if I pray, well, there are consequences for everything. I don't even know who You are, but I know You're out there, and You're listening. That's both intimidating and terrifying, so excuse my discontinuous thoughts and unfinished monologues. Perhaps I'll write to a different you, one that does not require capitalization. We'll see how this goes.

I'm sturdy, stubborn, hard-headed, and tenacious. I'm moody, quick to temper, and last to admit I'm wrong. I'm afraid of looking foolish. I'm more afraid of FEELING foolish. Is that vanity? Perhaps. Is it human nature? On the whole, we're built flawed. Those flaws create the beauty that separates us from one another. But what determines what within us is beauty, and what is flaw?

I feel like I'm more flaw than beauty lately, and not just on a physical scale. I'm completely imbalanced, inside and out. I feel lost, between floating and falling, an unsteady turbulence of self-doubt. There is no blame in this, you didn't do this to me, and neither did You, and neither did I. Maybe it was fate? Destiny? Chance? Maybe it was me after all. Maybe it was all of us.

I made a comment today that my stress level reduces by 20% or more when I'm near wind chimes or water. For some, 20% doesn't seem like much, but I run on 90% tension on a daily basis. I'm prone to "freaking out" and it's easier on my nerves if I stay in a constant state of high alert. Perhaps this explains why I'm stubborn, tenacious, hard-headed and all those other negative words I apply to myself.

I don't know how to fix myself or how to be better. I just know that I need to be better. Better at everything I do- my family, school, work. Everybody around me seems so put together. They know what they want, what they need, and how to get it. I have no answers for any of that. I feel like I'm floating, or struggling to float, while everybody else is splashing around on jet-skis or sunbathing on private yachts. I feel 4 steps behind everybody else, with no sense of direction on how to catch up.

I am not complaining. My life is good. I have family that cares, friends who notice that I'm alive, and I'm blessed to have all the wonderful things in my life. I'm wondering why, with all of this goodness, I feel that life is so imperfect. If everything is so wonderful, and I'm unhappy, the catalyst has to be me. So what am I doing? And how do I fix it? I like to think I'm a good person. I try to be kind, honest, and hardworking. I openly admit to backsliding- I am far from perfect: I hurt people, I can be lazy, and I make mistakes. I make a lot of mistakes. But I try to fix them, and I think I'm getting better all the time. Everybody makes mistakes, right? So why do I feel like I'm the only one?

I'm not asking you for answers. I don't even know if You're listening, or reading, or if You even care. But I know I need something to change, and I'm looking for guidance, to know I'm at least heading in the right direction, even if I'm miles off of the road.