You're my ex. As in "X-ed out," former, no longer a part of. I have no responsibility to you, and you none to me. I have no rights to your emotions, thoughts, or actions. Your reasons are your own, as is your life. As is mine. It is my own. I have no conenction to you any longer. I'm more than accepting of this situation.
So why do I still feel so protective of you? Why does it bother me when you're unhappy? Why do I feel the need to swoop in and save you when things in your life look rough?
I'm not jealous that you've moved on. I'm jealous that it's so easy for you to come to me as a friend, when I'm still fighting to remove myself from the tangle that linked our pasts. I'm not longing for what we had, I'm just confused as to how this came to be. We went from friends to dating to hating each other to falling out of touch. Your existance in my world dwindled and shrank and I pushed you to the corner of my mind, next to appreciating blues music and filing my taxes. You were present, but only surfaced in specific and warranted cirumstances. Now you're ever-present. We chat, we talk. You seek my advice, my company. And my brain has yet to re-wire itself to this making sense.
When did this become acceptable? I was hurt by you, several times, and I admit that I hurt you too. But many of those painful issues were left unresolved, and without closure. Granted, "moving on in life" means letting go of those hurts for the sake of something better, but scars happen. The memories are there, and while I may not harbor personal resentment for those scars, when you suddenly resurface in my life all that hurt bubbles up with you. It's unsettling.
I guess I'm waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop. My brain hasn't made the connection that just because my affiliation with you caused me pain once is not proof that it will surely happen again.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
One More Day
There are moments when one gets lost on the outskirts of his own life. When nothing is going wrong, per say, yet on the same spectrum, nothing is going right either. He's not drowning, and yet he isn't quite floating. A ship that's taking on water, that hasn't yet begun to sink, and may be salvaged at any moment. Standing on the edge of a hole, not sure if he's jumping or falling, or if he's going anywhere at all. Everybody has those moments, those days. If you haven't, bless you, I hope you never do, but in truth, I'm fairly sure you will.
On those days, and in those moments, it can be hard to find the motivation to get on with one's daily routine. The simplest task of "get out of bed in the morning" can turn daunting, a fight not worth fighting. Don't be taken down by lost moments. The cure for not getting out of bed is to never go there in the first place, correct? Many people claim insomnia, but I believe we all have our own reasons for avoiding the night. Some are afraid of the dark, some dislike the quiet, others are afraid of their own thoughts that creep through only when the bustle of the day has passed. For some, the dark and quiet of the night is a haven from the day, a place to enjoy the world without having to participate in it. The night allows one to watch the infinite dance of stars and space, to watch the tail-lights of automobiles turn into blurry red strings of lights on the highway. It brings peace and solace to a loud and turbulent day. I stay awake for fear of not wanting to get up in the morning. As luxurious as it may seem to lounge around in bed all day, I assure you, there are days you wish you had what it takes to get up and go.
What does it take to get up on those mornings? Some days I spring up before my alarm, dance to the radio music as I get ready, and enjoy the sun rising over the water tower. Other days, I let the alarm blare for hours before I notice it's gone off, throw things at it until it shuts up, and continue to blankly stare into nothing, not wanting to do or say or be anything more. Those are the days that scare me. Those are Bad Days. On Bad Days, nothing helps. Bad Days have to be ridden through like a terrible roller coaster, where one simply has to wait it out and hope to whatever presence is watching that it doesn't get worse.
Is that it, then? Bad Days are there and you're stuck with them? That's depressing and scary to think about. It's also not true. It feels like there's nothing to push for, but that's the trick. To push. The quickest way to get through tomorrow is to get through today. It's terrible, and painful, and it really sucks, but if you push through, something will happen. I can't guarantee it will be good, or positive, or even neutral. It could be a catastrophe. But at least you're out in the world being a part of something bigger than yourself.
Here's my advice to getting through a Bad Day:
1. I've had them before. I'll have them again. But I can't control those days; I can control today.
2. You get up in the morning, you open your eyes, you put your feet on the floor and you TRY. try to do something with your morning, your day, your life. And as long as you try, even if you fail 100 times before breakfast, you tried. And that's worth something. So you breathe, you throw back the covers, and you try. Just one more day. Always, just one more day.
On those days, and in those moments, it can be hard to find the motivation to get on with one's daily routine. The simplest task of "get out of bed in the morning" can turn daunting, a fight not worth fighting. Don't be taken down by lost moments. The cure for not getting out of bed is to never go there in the first place, correct? Many people claim insomnia, but I believe we all have our own reasons for avoiding the night. Some are afraid of the dark, some dislike the quiet, others are afraid of their own thoughts that creep through only when the bustle of the day has passed. For some, the dark and quiet of the night is a haven from the day, a place to enjoy the world without having to participate in it. The night allows one to watch the infinite dance of stars and space, to watch the tail-lights of automobiles turn into blurry red strings of lights on the highway. It brings peace and solace to a loud and turbulent day. I stay awake for fear of not wanting to get up in the morning. As luxurious as it may seem to lounge around in bed all day, I assure you, there are days you wish you had what it takes to get up and go.
What does it take to get up on those mornings? Some days I spring up before my alarm, dance to the radio music as I get ready, and enjoy the sun rising over the water tower. Other days, I let the alarm blare for hours before I notice it's gone off, throw things at it until it shuts up, and continue to blankly stare into nothing, not wanting to do or say or be anything more. Those are the days that scare me. Those are Bad Days. On Bad Days, nothing helps. Bad Days have to be ridden through like a terrible roller coaster, where one simply has to wait it out and hope to whatever presence is watching that it doesn't get worse.
Is that it, then? Bad Days are there and you're stuck with them? That's depressing and scary to think about. It's also not true. It feels like there's nothing to push for, but that's the trick. To push. The quickest way to get through tomorrow is to get through today. It's terrible, and painful, and it really sucks, but if you push through, something will happen. I can't guarantee it will be good, or positive, or even neutral. It could be a catastrophe. But at least you're out in the world being a part of something bigger than yourself.
Here's my advice to getting through a Bad Day:
1. I've had them before. I'll have them again. But I can't control those days; I can control today.
2. You get up in the morning, you open your eyes, you put your feet on the floor and you TRY. try to do something with your morning, your day, your life. And as long as you try, even if you fail 100 times before breakfast, you tried. And that's worth something. So you breathe, you throw back the covers, and you try. Just one more day. Always, just one more day.
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